Working with Rejection and Shame
I’ve alway been a people pleaser / seeker of external validation. Through a mindfulness practice, I’ve now been able to see and realize that rejection is my #1 trigger. (Rejection, to me, equals not being viewed as valuable or competent)
And without any conscious knowledge of it - I move into shame as soon as I perceive I’ve been rejected. “I’m worthless. I’m not good. I’ll never amount to anything”
And it’s not a voice, it’s a very deeply held feeling of truth. I get little. I shrink.
Rejection => Shame This is my pattern.
As is often the case in life, we are given opportunities to practice what we need to practice. For me - teaching is where all the (perceptions of) rejection come alive!
You register and don’t come to class => I must not be interesting
You have a conflict come up and miss a class => I must not be compelling
My class has attrition => I’m not meant to do this
You sit in quiet contemplation after I lead a meditation => you must be telling yourself how stupid I am
What’s been really interesting in my growth has NOT been this no longer happens. I still quickly move into shame when I perceive I’ve been rejected. Which, by the way, happens in lots of classes I teach (remember, this is a perception of rejection, not the reality of rejection).
The difference? I no longer believe it.
I still feel the shame, which for me shows up as lethargy, a need to distract (eat, drink, go do something to escape), a sense of heaviness in my body, a pit in my stomach. It really feels kind of crappy.
But what I’ve realized is I’ve made tremendous progress.
I now know my triggers (rejection)
I now know when it’s present (I feel it)
I can see when my tendency is to move away from it (a pull to go do something else)
But I don’t actually believe the story it’s telling anymore.
That is huge progress for me.
And instead of trying to make it go away (with logic, with distraction) I’m gaining my strength and confidence to just let it be there and run its natural course. SOMETIMES, even having the confidence to turn toward it and hear what it’s saying (at which point i just want to hug the little me that believes I have to be perfect to be loved).
Your story may be different. Your triggers are likely different. Your response may or may not be different.
Regardless, I would offer - the implication is the same. With practice…
We can start to free ourselves from our most deeply held, yet harmful, beliefs.
We learn that thoughts, while real, may not be true.
We start to honor what we feel, rather than argue with it, stuff it or convince ourselves we should feel otherwise.
We gain confidence in ourselves that we can turn toward difficult feelings, instead of away.
We learn how to be a friend to ourselves when we feel bad, rather than inflict additional harm.
We gain confidence in discerning what’s a true, authentic feeling that tells me action needs to be taken and what’s a legacy way of being that no longer serves me.
And those skills - and the continued opportunity to practice growing these skills - are what makes me eternally grateful for this journey.
