Wisdom through Silence - Seeing the nature of my mind
~My final reflection from my week-long meditation retreat in November~
Likely the most powerful learning I experienced on my weeklong retreat was the power and wisdom of silence. It really made the invitation of “see your mind and understand your habits” come alive for me.
As you’ve read in earlier reflections, this retreat was done in silence. Except for logistical questions and Q&A sessions with our meditation teacher, the 10 of us each committed to a week of silence.
For many of you, this might be when you start screaming, “I could never do that!” or “Who in their life would WANT to do that?”
I recall a study I read once where people could either sit quietly with their thoughts for 15 minutes or could shock themselves. Even though all participants had previously stated that they would pay money to avoid being shocked with electricity, 67% of men and 25% of women chose to inflict it on themselves rather than just sit there quietly and think. So, for those of you who would not have any interest in sitting in silence, know you are not alone.
I have always liked silence (but it took me a long time to acknowledge and embrace that about myself). And it’s helpful to know that this was a gradual process for me. Over the course of several years, I started with a silent retreat for 3 hours, I then tried a day-long retreat, then a few 2-3 day silent retreats. So, by the time November rolled around, the silent part might have been the part I was most looking forward to.
What I learned about silence was so much deeper than I expected….
I anticipated the benefit of silence would be my increased ability to more quietly settle my mind (i.e., it’s an additional distraction that is eliminated). And that was true and quite a powerful support that allowed me to experience all the positive things I previously shared, as well as those I share below.
However, what it also allowed was a profound power of “seeing” how my mind words (quick synopsis? My mind often creates stress for me when there is no stress present). When I was in an environment of no verbal communication, with a settled mind, I could fully see the level of ingrained behaviors that normally float below the surface….which, interestingly, is the promise of mindfulness - that we gain wisdom by seeing clearly.
Mindfulness Wisdom tenet: Thoughts are just thoughts, don’t take them so seriously
My experience:
I saw I can concoct stories of not “enough-ness” even when there is no speaking being had. Several times, I found myself wondering whether the two people meditating in similar areas were striking a bond that I wasn’t part of. (Ok, this is nuts - this environment is essentially the ONE environment where no one is bonding. They are also silent and each is doing their own thing) In that experience, I saw the natural habit of wanting to be included and fearing I wasn’t. Worrying about what others thought of me. But it arose in a situation where there was no reality to it.
And that brought a slight smile to my face - ahh, this is what they mean when they say don’t believe everything you think.
Mindfulness Wisdom tenet: Much of our life is a compulsive attempt to escape discomfort
My experience:
I saw how strong my habit is to operate ‘outside of my hula hoop.’ When there was a question raised by another retreat participant to the teacher and/or the guides (i.e., Is this food vegan?), I felt the pull to solve for them, fix it for them, smooth over whatever needed to be smoothed over. I saw how uncomfortable I was when there was any “rock to the boat” no matter how minor. My way of escaping the discomfort was to attempt to fix everything around me.
Had I not committed to keeping silence, I would certainly have overstepped and solved for someone else what was clearly outside my responsibility. Everyone here was entirely capable and no one needed me - yet I experienced a visceral pull when I saw an opportunity to “help.”
Again, a slight smile when I saw how quickly I can get uncomfortable and how habitual of an act it is to attempt to escape it.
Mindfulness Wisdom tenet: Releasing the sense of a “self” is the key to freedom
This is a complicated tenet but for me it showed up pretty simply and pretty powerfully. I saw how tiring talking is when you are trying (trying to act a part, trying to impress, trying to convince, etc.)
And I didn’t know that I was doing that much trying!
But for the week I wasn’t “allowed” to talk, I relished in the peace that comes from not figuring out what to say next, what to ask next, how to make people laugh, how to maintain whatever identity I’m wearing. I had no opportunity / pressure / need to say anything at all.
Ahh, another smile.
Fast forward to now…
I’ve been back for a little over a month and my speech is smooth like I’ve never missed a beat. I’m enjoying telling my family I love them. I’m relishing reviewing the day’s highlights with my partner.
But the lessons I learned are still there (things about me that normally I might have slid over or been completely unaware of).
I remember these learnings when I feel that PULL to fix, to please, to convince. I’m now (just a bit) more apt to sit there and let the discomfort arise and leave on its own, without opening my mouth.
I have a moment of space to ask myself - it this my authentic self talking or am I trying?
Can I just sit still when this person is expressing their story / their need?
Or, when I find myself caught in a story I’ve concocted, I can remember the fallacy of my mind very vividly and release the story a bit more easily.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s not a lot of truth to the story I’m telling.
Maybe, just maybe, this story isn’t helpful to me right now. Can I let it go and return to the here and now?
It has been an honor to share these past few reflections. This practice continues to be awe-inspiring to me and I hope it creates a bit of inspiration to you as well.
