Meeting What Is

The past few weeks have been a bit “unsettled” - one of those periods of time where nothing is going wrong but I can’t seem to, as easily or as frequently, access the feelings I now attribute to life “going right” - gratitude, joy, awe, calm, settledness….

I’m noticing a lag in motivation - to meditate, to practice, to write, to create.  I’ve found myself falling back into some junk food cravings that I thought I had wrestled to the ground 7 or 8 months ago.  The wisdom that I thought I was gaining around right effort (when to push and when to rest) seems to be fleeting and I’ve found myself just wanting to curl up and take a nap.  

Do I meet this gracefully?  Heck, NO  I've been hard at work trying to figure out the WHY underneath.  Is it the winter doldrums?  Have I gotten lazy?  Am I working out too much?  Am I working out too little? 

“What can I DO to get rid of this?!” 

Oh.   [Long pause] 

Maybe this is just a chance to practice meeting what’s here.  

Isn’t that really what this practice is about?  So easy to say and so,so hard to do.  

I’m scared.  I’m scared the feeling won’t change.  If I don’t aggressively fight it to leave, if I accept it, it might stay here forever.  

I’m scared if I just turn to myself with kindness, I’ll never get off the couch.  

Even after years of practicing acceptance and equanimity - there is such deep conditioning in me that when something feels off, something feels unpleasant or uncomfortable, I have a thought (often unconsciously) that I must be doing something wrong.  And if I just tried harder, thought harder, worked harder, we could get back to how things should be.  

“How things should be”  

Wow.  

And when I get enough space to see that, something inside me releases.  

And then a reservoir of compassion kicks in.  “Oh, my dear, how much pressure you carry around.   How much undoing still needs to be undone.  You still fight so hard”    

And it’s then I remember why I love this practice so much.   I need to be reminded that this practice IS NOT (only) about getting more “pleasant moments” in my life but also gaining insight into my habits, my thoughts, my deeply held beliefs that add to my suffering when life doesn't go according to (my) plan.  To notice when I’m adding to the current moment struggles by adding in a narrative, a thought, a judgement.

I remind myself the practice is WORKING with being ok with whatever is here.  Not pushing it away.  Not distracting.  Not controlling.   Accepting.  

This practice certainly keeps me humble :-) 

I recently heard that on this journey of “waking up,” we need a cup of wisdom, a barrel of love and an ocean of patience. 

Sending you lots of love and patience for meeting whatever is present for you right now.